10 Easy Steps to Raising an LDS Delinquent
Raising the perfect children, according to the experts is difficult. So raising delinquents should be easy! Everyone knows how to raise children and everyone has an opinion! But, parents make excuses for their children’s behavior all the time. Why?
Didn’t they set the ground rules, stick to them, or use disciplinary measures? Who rules the roost—the Rooster, the Hen or the Chicks?
The excuses are many—’We never could do anything with him, Your Honor…He’s always had a mind of his own.” “The problem’s the other kids he hangs out with…they’re such bad influences!” “We just didn’t know, we were so busy at work; she was supposed to be at home studying…”. Or, “She’s always gone her own way, she’s a free spirit”; or, “We suppose it all started with: ‘The incident’; the kids were just having fun and it got out of hand.”
The blame is always placed elsewhere, or on someone else. Parents seem stunned and clueless at their children’s behavior. There’s no doubt that Judges and Bishops have probably heard it all!
Since the attitude of entitlement prevails in our society; it’s our right to raise our children any way we see fit. Right? Right.
Instead of giving advice on raising the ‘perfect child’, here’s a few humorous suggestions, slightly altered, but based on a handout I received years ago, from an unremembered source. With tongue in cheek—of course; here’s how to raise: “The Perfect LDS Delinquent!”
1. The world owes your child a living.
Start immediately after having your baby blessed, to give him absolutely everything he wants because he’s entitled. Yesterday! Today won’t do, and tomorrow’s too far away to think about. Don’t let him cry, and never tell him NO!
2. Make sure you laugh at him when he learns to talk.
Especially when he blurts out all the ‘bad’ words your spouse says, in public. Don’t reprimand him when he repeats the unkind comments you make about others to their face; even your ‘best friend’. You can just tell them that you’re teaching him to be honest. Also, teach him that it’s always the other person’s fault.
3. Don’t take her to Sacrament Meeting, Primary, or teach her how to Pray.
You’re much too busy. These things aren’t considered to be that important; and she can choose to do them later if she wants to; when she gets older and decides to get married in the Temple.
4. Not at anytime, should you insist that she ‘help’ around the house.
It’s most important not to do it when her friends are there; or you’ll embarrass her. It’s so much easier to clean up after her; by yourself. Her extra-curricular activities are so much more important to her ‘development’ than housework. She shouldn’t have it as hard as you did!
5. Habitually argue and quarrel with your spouse and your child’s grandparents in your child’s presence.
Children need to learn how important it is to ‘be right’; and to stand up for themselves! Yelling, verbal abuse, bad mouthing, and hitting are all acceptable forms ‘communication’. After all you must get your point across. If you get divorced, it doesn’t really matter; everyone does—eventually. It won’t affect your child; he or she will adjust to visitation. Other children do it all the time!
6. You must spend top dollar for everything he wants and make sure he has enough spending money.
If you don’t, he might feel deprived, neglected and abused. It’s imperative that he has whatever his friends have. If he doesn’t feel like an equal, or be seen as one, he won’t be accepted into the ‘best crowd’. If he doesn’t ‘fit in’, he’ll grow up with a poor self esteem. He should never be required to get a job; he’s just a child and needs to HAVE FUN!
7. Never deny your child anything.
They must have their own room, their own vehicle, the newest cell phone with latest apps, and top of the line laptop computer. It’s so important to have the ‘right clothes’ and stuff; so they can have the ‘right friends’! If they don’t get a vacation to Europe, they’ll need a therapist to get them through the ‘meltdown’ that will damage them for life.
8. Without exception; take his side against teachers, administrators, neighbors and law enforcement.
When he gets bad grades, defaces property, shoplifts, or gets traffic tickets, defend him! Protect him at all costs and don’t force him to make restitution. These little ‘mistakes’ won’t matter in the long run. Authority figures are only out to ‘get’ your child and their opinion’s don’t really count!
9. Don’t forget; never apologize for yourself or the way you raised her.
The Judge or Bishop knows she has a ‘mind of her own’. She has always gone her own way and you just couldn’t ever do anything with her. Your child has her free-agency—right? Right! She only went ‘joy-riding’ for heaven’s sake; she and her friends didn’t really ‘steal’ that Mercedes-Benz! The owner shouldn’t have left his keys in the ignition; why that was just like asking them to take it for a spin!
10. Be prepared! Do what you have to and get that extra job.
You’re going to need it! You’ll be able to encourage your grown child to move back home with his three children; after the divorce is final. You can support them when it’s his turn for visitation. After all they’ll need somewhere to stay; because no one will GIVE him a job with his lack of experience. And, it wasn’t his fault he got arrested and had to serve six months for the domestic dispute he and your daughter-in-law had. She started all the problems in the first place.
Life is supposed to be easy. You opted for ‘Happily Ever After’. Everyone told you that getting married and having children was ‘The Plan’ you were supposed to follow. You did it the right way; you listened to and followed all the experts!
You were never meant to have a life of grief. But you’ve got one now: you’ve raised the “Perfect LDS Delinquent!”
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