5 Things to Remember When a Loved One is Incarcerated
This article was originally published in Mormon Beliefs by Imontague. Below is an excerpt.
Most people, including members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, don’t anticipate having to visit their spouses behind bars. It’s just a foreign concept for us. Unfortunately, we are all human, and we all make mistakes. And, as one woman said, some people’s mistakes are bigger and more visible than others.
My friend who said this has firsthand experience with high-profile errors, because her husband is serving time in federal prison on a case that was well-publicized in their former community. He is appealing his conviction. The husband of another friend of mine is also incarcerated, and his case is winding through the legal system.
I am a second-hand observer to their situations, and I don’t pretend to know how they feel. But I can imagine that the road is lonely and a little scary. My purpose in writing this is to help others who might be in a similar situation see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and they are not alone. From the experiences of these two ladies, here are 5 things to remember when a loved one is incarcerated.
1. Heavenly Father loves us, and everything will be OK in the end.
One of my friends said that, from the beginning, she needed to know that Heavenly Father loves her and her husband, and that everything would be OK. The late President Gordon B. Hinckley was fond of saying, “Things will work out.” In times of distress, sometimes it’s hard to see that.
Sister Elaine S. Dalton said, “The Lord has promised us that as we ‘search diligently, pray always, and be believing, … all things [will] work together for [our] good’ (Doctrine & Covenants 90:24; emphasis added). That doesn’t mean that everything will be perfect or that we will not have any trials, but it does mean that everything will be okay if we just ‘hang in there.’”
Sometimes the trials are of our own making, and sometimes they are a result of another’s choices. But if we focus on doing what’s right—or repenting of our wrongs, if need be—then, in the end, everything will be OK.
Above all, we must remember that the love of God transcends all of our weaknesses and our sins. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught:
God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely.
He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked.
What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us.
My friend said that knowing everything will work out in the end, she can be OK now. Her faith in Heavenly Father’s love and guidance gives her courage to face her trial with faith. And she knows that as long as she is on the right path, that she will be OK—and so will her husband.
As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.”
Not only do these women need to know that Heavenly Father loves them no matter what, their husbands need to know that as well. And, though we might need to make some course corrections, “all things will work for our good” if we trust in Heavenly Father and try to do what’s right.
2. The situation calls for compassion and mercy, not judgment.
Easter 2013, my friend’s husband asked my husband, who was his bishop, for a blessing. His trial was coming to an end, and he and his family were scared of what the outcome would be. The Spirit was strong as my husband and other priesthood holders administered to this man. He was convicted shortly thereafter, with harsh words from the judge. However, he and his family continued to feel the peace that they felt during his blessing. I’m not trying to say that it has been easy for them, but they were comforted by the words spoken in his blessing.
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