Too Silent and Way Too Deadly: Domestic Violence

As a writer, I prefer to focus on positive and humorous topics such as service projects and my own ineptitude. As a church, we also tend to discuss uplifting subjects like love, families, and Christlike attributes. However, sometimes we must pay attention to the less-pleasant topics such as domestic violence.

These issues, though prevalent and critical, simply do not get talked about enough in our church and communities. This is understandable because it’s easier to focus on the happy things rather than the uncomfortable issues, but sometimes they simply need to be addressed.

The national average of abuse and intimate partner violence is 1 in 3 (source). In Utah, the statistics are even higher. Think about that in terms of wards: if every ward has 100+ women, there could be 30 women in every ward who are being abused. Yet most wards report zero cases of abuse. Is this even possible?

It’s embarrassing that their marriage isn’t Facebook perfect…

Many women in abusive relationships don’t say anything because they think it’s temporary, or only occasional, or their fault, or it’s embarrassing that their marriage isn’t Facebook perfect, or by golly, they married in the temple and are never going to give up on this marriage.  And that’s when he has her under his thumb.  He’s the priesthood holder, he has the authority, and she’d better obey. Or else.

“No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to hold the priesthood of God. No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to be a member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God, and any who indulge in it may expect to be disciplined by the Church” (“What Are People Asking about Us?” Ensign, Nov. 1998, 72).

 

I spoke to my mother, our stake Relief Society president, and learned that she and other Church leaders have had to deal with the hidden problems of abuse involving ward members whom no one on the outside would have expected there to be such a problem. Women married to stand-up men, priesthood holders and loving fathers, revealed that their marriages were rotten with abuse beneath the surface.

If this is such a prevalent problem, why is it not a more frequent topic of debate? If our brothers and sisters need our help so badly, why are we as a church not mobilizing to assist the victims and arrest the perpetrators?

“Utah women have more to fear from the men they know than from any stranger. Young people in particular, who are dating, have now ended up on both sides of the weapon in Utah. It is important for us to consider their developmental process, their life experiences, and begin to establish a premise that can lead us to an understanding of what can channel such a young person to this horrible event.”Ned Searle, Office on Domestic and Sexual Violence

I believe the reason behind the weak legal response is a lack of awareness. There is a certain stigma behind discussing such sticky issues, and people may simply not be aware that domestic violence is happening in their communities.

Many behaviors fall under the umbrella of domestic violence. Physical and sexual abuse, of course, but also emotional and psychological abuse, threats, neglect, financial/economic abuse (withholding or controlling money, forcing the victim to account for every penny, etc.), or any similar behavior with the intent of controlling the victim.

One in three women will be a victim of domestic abuse or intimate partner violence in her lifetime. Millions of women will be harmed by someone they are supposed to be able to trust, often in front of their children, and the numbers are even higher in Utah.

Another type of abuse, one less obvious to those on the outside, is spiritual abuse. This entails causing the victim to question her faith, making her feel unworthy or inadequate, or separating her from her church community physically and emotionally.

Ultimately, the greatest harm caused by abuse is spiritual harm where the victim of abuse becomes steeped in a shameful view of himself or herself. By its very nature, abuse causes victims to feel disconnected from their Heavenly Father’s unconditional love for them, to become lost from this “most precious” of all things. -Darla Isackson

The statistics are simply terrifying. The repercussions are unimaginable. It’s much easier to turn a blind eye and pretend that this isn’t happening, but we as a church need to face up to the harsher realities that happen behind closed doors and reach out to the victims in need of help.