How the Lord Has Not Blessed Us in Our Marriage

As of last month in April, my husband, Ryan, and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. However, our marriage hasn’t been completely without heartache and sorrow. The Lord has not yet blessed us in our marriage in a sense. I say this because our main struggle we are facing at this time is my infertility.

I knew even before getting married that I might have trouble getting pregnant, for I suffer from a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or also known as PCOS. The condition entails that I do not ovulate properly, that my eggs do not burst from my ovaries, thus causing cysts to form on them.

This heartache I experience often is usually tied to seeing other people having children and being able to raise them. I also unfortunately experience jealousy when I find out a friend is having a baby, especially when they are younger and have been married for less than I have. I think: “How is this fair? How am I supposed to grow and be what Heavenly Father wants me to be if I am not given the chance to experience motherhood? How am I supposed to move beyond these feelings and allow myself to accept the way that things are?”

I recently thought of this analogy: if I compare myself and my spouse to pieces of a larger puzzle, we are connected, interlocked, as husband and wife, and part of some great masterpiece.  Though I feel that there are some empty holes in that puzzle, I have come to realize that those gaps are only tightening the bond between us. How is this happening? I believe it is because we are able to support each other better when we have a common goal to work towards, such as wanting to have children.

A problem arises when there is discord and causes our puzzle to separate and shift. Some of these problems come to be especially when I am feeling down and put out about myself. I wallow in self-pity and my husband tries to knock it out of me by using forceful words. Instead of consoling me like I want him to, I get a “snap out of it” or a “stop it.”  At some point either I come around or my husband calms down so that he can comfort me. It is at times like that, when we apply forgiveness and love, the bonds of our puzzle fit back together and we find ourselves in harmony again.

The gaps in the puzzle stay, but I know they will be filled one day. I just need to have faith that all will work out for us in the future. The Master behind our puzzle is waiting for the right time to fill in those gaps with new pieces, and when He feels it is time to do so, I know it will be a wonderful time in our lives.

You may be reading this and wondering, how does this apply to me? Well, we all know some one in our lives that are having a difficult time. Whether it be family troubles, financial issues, health problems, or anything of the sort can cause stress and unhappiness. It may be someone we know or it could be personal. It is possible that this message hits close to home with you; that you also experience the struggle of infertility or having no children.

I want to share that I know that God thinks of each one of us and that His desire for us to be happy and have joy is insurmountable. Trials are only a part of life and our exultation is dependent on how we go through these trials. Will we be brave and stick things through? My favorite scripture in Doctrine and Covenants reads: “And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God” (D&C 14: 7). So if we are diligent with following God’s commandments, we will receive the greatest reward.

We are meant to experience the heartache of life only so that we can appreciate the joy that comes when good things happen. If we wallow in self-pity, we can lose sight of the blessings we have been given. I need to remember everyday to count my blessings and see that God is providing for me in other ways and preparing me for my future, whether it will include children or not. My hope is that I do get to have children someday, but until then I need to prepare myself to be the mother I need to be.  That may mean that I need to be better organized or that I need to be taking care of myself better (which I am trying to do).

I am so grateful to my husband, Ryan, who is so supportive and is constantly concerned about my happiness. I am blessed to have him in my life and I know that if and when we do fill in the spaces of our puzzle, we will be even more grateful to God for all that He has done and will do for us. Together, I’m sure we will be able to complete our family puzzle in time.