Nice Is Not Enough

I was always known as a nice guy. But at some point I started to wonder: Was Jesus “nice”? Was Nephi, or Mormon, or Paul, or Captain Moroni? Some aspects of what we would call “nice” are less than healthy spiritually and socially.

Sociologist Erving Goffman wrote a paper titled “On Face-Work.” In the essay, Goffman describes how social interactions can basically be interpreted as an attempt to successfully project a certain image about oneself.

We project this image by trying to act as if we have certain desirable qualities. If others see us acting in a manner inconsistent with our desired image, we feel like our identity is threatened.

People, Goffman suggests, are always seeking to save face. In our Latter-day Saint culture, as in every culture, certain types of images are easily accepted into the culture, while others are not.

Because of this aspect of culture, we (understandably) sometimes do “good” things to maintain a positive image rather than out of real intent.

One of those things that we sometimes do to save face is being “nice.”

“Nice” is usually the companion of passivity rather than boldness, and it usually comes with a heavy dose of fear that if we showed who we really were, we would not be socially accepted.

It usually involves some degree of selfishness rather than pure concern for others.

“Nice is weak, nice is shiny, nice is soft, nice is nasty,” said blogger Andrew Turner. “People want real kindness, not some sort of weird civility. People want you, not some fake copy that you figure you need to put on to be accepted.”

For those of us who have always been known as “nice,” it takes courage to move beyond what others might think if we were a little more real.

There are two main aspects of the culture of “nice,” and both involve hiding our true thoughts: being passive (or consistently letting others get their way even when we have an opinion), and saying “nice” things that we don’t really mean. There are more effective ways for us to serve each other while still being truthful.

Thinking Win/Win Instead of Lose/Win (Nice)

Maybe you really wanted to go to Burger King but you didn’t say anything because you knew your friend really wanted to go to McDonalds. Or more consequentially, maybe you didn’t tell your husband or wife your opinion of how a discipline situation should be handled because it was easier just to let him or her do it their way. Is this behavior healthy? Is “blessed are the peacemakers” synonymous with “blessed are the pushovers” (as one LDS blogger put it)?

Stephen R. Covey, author of book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (also a life-long Church member) didn’t think so. Covey describes a more powerful and productive mindset that he calls thinking Win/Win:

“Win/Win sees life as a cooperative, not a competitive arena. Most people tend to think in terms of dichotomies: strong or weak, hardball or softball, win or lose. But that kind of thinking is fundamentally flawed. It’s based on power and position rather than on principle. Win-Win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person’s success is not achieved at the expense of the success of others”

That sounds all fine, good and compatible with standard Mormon culture when we think about it in terms of selflessness and allowing others to succeed, even helping them to succeed. But what about when we follow the logic of that thought to its other, equally important conclusion? In other words, “somebody else’s success is not achieved at the expense of my success.” Sounds selfish, right? Covey didn’t think so, and neither should you.

In Habits, Covey describes the lenses through which people usually see the world rather than the “abundance mentality” that makes up Win-Win. One of these lenses is Win/Lose, which is the common, worldly, competitive perspective of “if I win, you lose.” This perspective is the opposite of “nice.” Another is Lose-Win, where one simply self-sacrifices to let the other person win. This is what we would call “nice.”

“Lose/Win is worse than Win/Lose because it has no standards–no demands, no expectations, no vision. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others.”

Cultural Mormonism sometimes overcompensates for the selfishness of the world and ends up celebrating those who think Lose/Win by giving them such scriptural accolades as “submissive, meek, humble, patient” (Mosiah 3:19). These are certainly good attributes, but equating these attributes with being a pushover paints an incomplete picture and can encourage unhealthy passivity.

What this approach misses is the abundance mentality described by Covey: it is actually possible for both parties to win. What’s more, the creative problem-solving that results from trying to find a win/win solution can actually produce results that are better for each party involved.

A great example of this occurs in the Book of Mormon. When Captain Moroni finds that his fellow-general Helaman is under-supplied and under-manned, he writes a letter to the Chief Judge, Pahoran, which no sane person could possibly describe as “nice.”

In the letter, Moroni condemns the government’s neglect and asserts his position: that either the government will send more supplies and men to Helaman, or Moroni will come and take them by force.

Little did Moroni know, but Pahoran also had a huge problem on his hands. Rebels had overthrown the city of Zarahemla, and Pahoran was considering attacking the rebels and recapturing the city of Zarahemla.

Moroni’s bold condemnation of the government’s neglect convinced Pahoran that he was justified in going to war with the rebels, and with Moroni’s help the city of Zarahemla was retaken and reinforcements and provisions were sent to Helaman.

Because Moroni spoke up with boldness, both he and Pahoran were able to work together to get what they wanted, and more. After the recapture of Zarahemla, Moroni and Pahoran were able to join forces in order to recapture the land of Nephihah, something that perhaps neither of them would have been able to do alone.

Think about it: you voicing your opinion could actually help create a solution that everyone likes better than their original idea. This is what Covey calls the “third alternative.”

The third alternative is the result of synergy: one plus one can equal three or even four or five when we are working together to find a common solution. Think of all the opportunities for connection and creativity we miss by simply giving in when it really counts. Of course, there are some opinions that we have that really don’t matter, and there are times to let others lead. But we should be careful not to underestimate the possibility of a win/win solution.

Blessings of Being Real

The second aspect of being nice is withholding truth in order to avoid offense or awkwardness. There is the old idea that a “white lie” never hurt anyone and  the oft-used statement: “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” These ideas can be dangerous.

It is true that we should hold our tongue from saying disparaging things about others, but we sometimes miss the next step: to remove those negative things from our heart.

Jesus warned that whoever is angry with his brother is already condemned and that we should “suffer none of these things to enter into [our] heart” (3 Nephi 12:22, 29).

“Nice” happens when we keep thinking a negative thing and saying or acting another. The reason we are told to stop ourselves from doing or saying negative things is so that we can consider whether those intended statements or actions are actually based on true principles, and then correct our thinking. It is not so that we can deceive another person, even in a positive direction.

Our goal is to show “kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:42, emphasis added). This kind of penetrating love is not manifested through false information, but rather through a change of heart and of how we see other people.

On the other hand, there are also times when someone’s actions or attitude really do require us to condemn their sin, for their own benefit. This is why the scriptures talk about “reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost.” If we are not careful, we may be too “nice” to do this, even when it is necessary.

One Book of Mormon story that illustrates this principle is found in Alma chapter 11. Zeezrom, a wicked lawyer, is questioning Amulek about his belief in God. Amulek reproves Zeezrom sharply, accusing him of lying, loving money more than God, and even calling him a “child of hell.” By the end of the interrogation, Zeezrom is trembling and he later becomes ill.

Later, Alma and Amulek heal him of his disease and Zeezrom becomes a missionary, having repented of his sins. It seems likely that Zeezrom would not have been pushed to repentance had Amulek been too “nice” to condemn his hypocrisy and deception.

The Top 5 Times to Think Win-Win and Stop Being Nice

1. Presidency Meetings or other Councils

The point of councils is to make creative synergy–with each-other and with the Spirit. The principle of synergy is that one plus one can equal four, or even more. However, this kind of creative problem-solving requires an environment that values differences in perspective. It is often in the differences that creative solutions emerge. (Quote from Covey)

2. When you have a sincere question or concern

3. When others are pressuring you to participate in sin

It is not “nice” to walk out of a movie, or to leave a group of friends who are participating in drugs or alcohol. In fact, it may cause some contention and strain in the relationship. Yet we have been counseled to do so. As President Monson says,

“As we go about living from day to day, it is almost inevitable that our faith will be challenged. We may at times find ourselves surrounded by others and yet standing in the minority or even standing alone concerning what is acceptable and what is not. Do we have the moral courage to stand firm for our beliefs, even if by so doing we must stand alone?”

4. When others are mischaracterizing the beliefs of the Church

Sometimes, we are too nice to call a lie a lie, or to call out misinformation.

5. When you want a deep relationship.

One illusion we may get caught up in is the idea that the only thing required for a successful relationships is to hold our tongue from evil-speaking, and to serve others selflessly. Essentially, this means being “nice” to them. Anyone who has tried this knows that it doesn’t replace real, honest communication. To forge a deeper bond, we may have to learn to think Win/Win instead of Lose/Win; in other words, we may have to let our important thoughts, opinions and needs be made known to the other person even when these things have the potential to stir up disagreement. Disagreement, in itself, is not the same as contention.